Ups and downs in poetry

I feel it is well past time to update my blog. The only problem is - I couldn't for the life of me think of a specific topic to write about.

I think this is a real problem with me; I get overly pedantic about organization, writing quality, and proper structure, and lose track of the real reason why I am writing in the first place (as a recreational pursuit for the enjoyment of myself and others - I am not writing a business report).

I should write this blog as I write in my journals, and in my word document folders on my computer - freely and without inhibition.

So, here goes.

The last week or so I feel my mood swings have lessened, and become more manageable. For the first time I am looking forward, and planning, rather than living only in the moment, from one moment to the next, hoping nothing bad will happen.

I feel as though my brain is clearing, my sanity is returning, and there's less of a divide between my inner voice (my true self, looking on helpless and horrified) and my emotional thoughts and corresponding actions.

I have thought about all kinds of gruesome ways I could die, or kill myself during lows. Some of the more memorable ones included falling on the glass wall of the pool from a great height and being sliced clean in half, and drinking the entire contents of the alcohol cupboard at home.

Once when I was really down, so that my vision was sort of disconnected/unreal, and I was so heavy moving was a big effort, I tried to rouse myself by walking to the park. When I got there I wrote in my diary. Then I walked across the bridges to the video store, then home, and I wrote some more.

I think some of what I've experienced is best captured in poetry. I will share a few poems written during this time.


Bipolar

I feel so intensely alive I want to die

My mind is spinning and I don’t know why

Nobody can help me, but nobody can try

Nothing can save me from this turmoil inside

I’m grieving

Anguished grieving for immortality

I want what nature has denied to me

I want the power to transcend mediocrity

I don’t understand.

An aspect of me still alive

Is horrified at my demand

It isn’t what I planned

I am ashamed

My tumultuous thoughts are out of control

I cannot contain any sense at all

I am embroiled in ambition’s tortuous thrall

Transcend into hell.

Division

A division

Split into two entities

One black, the other white

Hide the darkness deep within

So only I may know my sin

Purity.

The whiteness expands, sublimates all surrounding it

People are bathed in whiteness

Drenched in white

Saturated in white

The darkness festers…

Ambition

The monster rises within

Ready to drown out my logic

Ready to shame me into unravelling,

I could burn up inside

With gut wrenching emotions

Brought on by this disease,

This possessing.

Ambition is a cancerous canker blossom,

Best avoided,

Best immunized against,

Incurable once it has taken hold.

Once ambition gets its hold on you, it will feed off your happiness, your sadness, your laughter, and your tears. It will take everything, until all that is left inside you is a pulsating monster driving you onwards into eventual, inevitable, self-destruction. A euphoric addiction.

Glorious suicide.

Hive

Sinking, sinking

Is this a bucket without a bottom?

Weeping, writhing,

Will stability be forgotten?

I’m lost in transit

Somewhere between the here and now

A foreign perspective

Unreal, insubstantial somehow.

Can I escape-

This tumble dryer of thought

Can I survive-

Exploring the hive?

Sunlight-Blinded

Standing in space

Out of place

A step to the right–

Open water

A step to the left–

Burning highway

Straight ahead–

Who knows?

My head hangs low

I cannot lift it from my heaving chest.

I am suspended in non-reality

Walking a straight line tightrope

Blinded

By eyes that can’t see right

Fearless forward motion

In bright sunlight.

 

SPIN DOCTOR

High

Fly like a kite

Don’t bend, don’t be rigid

Can’t break

Can’t breathe—

My mind is jumping that fast

Don’t believe

All the tales they spin for you

Don’t take

One more tablet tonight

Don’t break.