Bipolar

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II. One week ago I started taking Lithium (a mood stabilizer). It hasn't kicked in yet.

There's been so much I've wanted to write about this. Too much, in fact, and I haven't been able to start. The difficulty in writing is also due to poor mental condition I am currently in.

For the past 3 months I've been experiencing wildly erratic mood swings. In one day I can go from running and skipping ecstatically to lying comatose on my bed and wishing for oblivion, to trying to force down waves of fury, to being paralyzed with intense anxiety. I have attempted to walk to a suburb 6 hours away (on foot), I have both binged and starved, I have cried and laughed uncontrollably, and I have covered 50 metres of public sidewalk by jumping and spinning wildly in circles to the confusion of onlookers.

I have spent days barely able to get out of bed, I have sunk into the deepest oblivion beyond sleep and lost control of my limbs, I have experienced catatonia so bad I have been unable to feed myself and have struggled to walk in the middle of the local shopping centre. Sometimes trying to piece together sentences, or even speaking single words, has been too hard. Most days my thoughts are too scattered, and I am too unfocussed, to do much at all. At least now I can read books and write sometimes.

I have been mainly struggling to maintain some sort of equilibrium - to not let myself swing too far in either direction. Things can trigger it off; seeing a friend may send me up on a high, and then I crash heavily the next day. Discussing a sad topic, or trying too hard to do a once simple task that I no longer have the focus for, can cause me to sink into a crippling depression where I sob violently or lie down and sink into a stupor for hours. Trying to monitor myself constantly can be exhausting, and it's all to easy to slip up.

Self regulation involves more than just deciding which activities are appropriate and when. It also involves closely monitoring my own thoughts, and deciding which thoughts and ideas are rational and which are clearly irrational and should not be acted upon.

For example:

Going for a short walk to the video store and back in the early afternoon = rational. Going for an 8km run in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures to the local clubbing precinct and back (and possibly downing a cocktail or many while there) = irrational.

Going out to sit in the sun for a while when depressed = rational. Any form of self harm or self mutilation = irrational.

Going home and having a good night's rest after having dinner out with a friend = rational. Walking back to the William Jolly bridge and standing/sitting there all night in the freezing cold, staring at the water and wishing I were dead = irrational.

Having a chocolate bar in the afternoon as a special treat = rational. Skipping breakfast, lunch, and dinner to go on an all day sugar binge throughout the city of Brisbane, starting at pancake manor in the morning = irrational.

Sometimes I feel like I'm mothering my very own four year old, high on red cordial, right here in my head.

I'm praying that the mood stabilizers will work because the life I'm currently living is exhausting, for both my parents and myself. Three months ago, when this all began, I had to drop all my uni courses for the semester, pull out of several singing commitments, and leave my flat to live with and be cared for by my parents. It's been a hard road to travel, and sometimes I feel like I've lost more than three months off my life to have this happen. The worst part is how hard it's been for people other than myself. My mother also had her life torn apart as she was forced to drop everything and become my full time carer.

Of course, it could be worse. It's amazing how much one can take their mental health for granted until it is compromised. Although I was one of those already coping with disabilities (in my case, having Aspergers, ADHD and past episodes of pure depression) it was easy to take my then equilibrium for granted and not consider how much worse it could actually be until things go pear shaped. Even now, after experiencing three months of what's been described above, it would be folly for me not to be thankful even for my current equilibrium - keeping in mind how far above rock bottom I still actually am.

For one, I am thinking, breathing, have full use of my limbs, speaking, singing once a week, and occasionally seeing a friend. For another, I am sitting at my computer writing this.