Bipolar

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II. One week ago I started taking Lithium (a mood stabilizer). It hasn't kicked in yet.

There's been so much I've wanted to write about this. Too much, in fact, and I haven't been able to start. The difficulty in writing is also due to poor mental condition I am currently in.

For the past 3 months I've been experiencing wildly erratic mood swings. In one day I can go from running and skipping ecstatically to lying comatose on my bed and wishing for oblivion, to trying to force down waves of fury, to being paralyzed with intense anxiety. I have attempted to walk to a suburb 6 hours away (on foot), I have both binged and starved, I have cried and laughed uncontrollably, and I have covered 50 metres of public sidewalk by jumping and spinning wildly in circles to the confusion of onlookers.

I have spent days barely able to get out of bed, I have sunk into the deepest oblivion beyond sleep and lost control of my limbs, I have experienced catatonia so bad I have been unable to feed myself and have struggled to walk in the middle of the local shopping centre. Sometimes trying to piece together sentences, or even speaking single words, has been too hard. Most days my thoughts are too scattered, and I am too unfocussed, to do much at all. At least now I can read books and write sometimes.

I have been mainly struggling to maintain some sort of equilibrium - to not let myself swing too far in either direction. Things can trigger it off; seeing a friend may send me up on a high, and then I crash heavily the next day. Discussing a sad topic, or trying too hard to do a once simple task that I no longer have the focus for, can cause me to sink into a crippling depression where I sob violently or lie down and sink into a stupor for hours. Trying to monitor myself constantly can be exhausting, and it's all to easy to slip up.

Self regulation involves more than just deciding which activities are appropriate and when. It also involves closely monitoring my own thoughts, and deciding which thoughts and ideas are rational and which are clearly irrational and should not be acted upon.

For example:

Going for a short walk to the video store and back in the early afternoon = rational. Going for an 8km run in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures to the local clubbing precinct and back (and possibly downing a cocktail or many while there) = irrational.

Going out to sit in the sun for a while when depressed = rational. Any form of self harm or self mutilation = irrational.

Going home and having a good night's rest after having dinner out with a friend = rational. Walking back to the William Jolly bridge and standing/sitting there all night in the freezing cold, staring at the water and wishing I were dead = irrational.

Having a chocolate bar in the afternoon as a special treat = rational. Skipping breakfast, lunch, and dinner to go on an all day sugar binge throughout the city of Brisbane, starting at pancake manor in the morning = irrational.

Sometimes I feel like I'm mothering my very own four year old, high on red cordial, right here in my head.

I'm praying that the mood stabilizers will work because the life I'm currently living is exhausting, for both my parents and myself. Three months ago, when this all began, I had to drop all my uni courses for the semester, pull out of several singing commitments, and leave my flat to live with and be cared for by my parents. It's been a hard road to travel, and sometimes I feel like I've lost more than three months off my life to have this happen. The worst part is how hard it's been for people other than myself. My mother also had her life torn apart as she was forced to drop everything and become my full time carer.

Of course, it could be worse. It's amazing how much one can take their mental health for granted until it is compromised. Although I was one of those already coping with disabilities (in my case, having Aspergers, ADHD and past episodes of pure depression) it was easy to take my then equilibrium for granted and not consider how much worse it could actually be until things go pear shaped. Even now, after experiencing three months of what's been described above, it would be folly for me not to be thankful even for my current equilibrium - keeping in mind how far above rock bottom I still actually am.

For one, I am thinking, breathing, have full use of my limbs, speaking, singing once a week, and occasionally seeing a friend. For another, I am sitting at my computer writing this.

Birthday Musings

So it's that time of the year again. My Birthday.

A Birthday is a strange day for a person once they pass that certain age, stepping across the threshold into adulthood, aging, and slow but inevitable decrepitude. You may laugh - what does a child like me know of decrepitude?? Well, this year I turn 23. According to the mathematical laws of rounding off, I am now on the near side of 25, and on the far side of 20. I calculated that according to expected future lifespan averages, at least a quarter of my life has already passed, and as the last quarter of my life is both uncertain and may be of a lower quality of living, that leaves me only two good quarters left to go. Thus I am a third of the way into my life already, which is significant.

For those of us over the threshold, our birthday is a day we love to hate, yet are required to love.

On the day of my Birthday I traditionally spend a significant amount of time thinking (it falls most inconveniently in the middle of uni and school exam time, so mostly nobody's free to celebrate it with me). I think both backwards and forwards, I consider my progression through life to date, and I consider the future.

Although I feel satisfied with what I have achieved so far, there is still so much left undone. Each year the future seems to shrink a little and time speeds up. I think this is because over time our memory lessens proportionately to the number of years we've been alive; if you've only lived five years, you'll have lots and lots of memories from those five years so they'll seem like a long time. However, if you've lived 25 years, you only have limited capacity with what you can remember, so you retain much less memories from each year, creating the illusion that time has sped up when you think back as you jump from memory to memory spread further apart.

At any rate, one of the annoying things about birthdays is that all day everybody around you is expected to cater to your every whim and go out of their way to make you happy. Questions such as "what would you like to do now?", "who would you like to see?" "where would you like to go?" "what special meal would you like to eat for lunch, and for dinner?", "what type of cake do you want?", and "what would make you happy right now?" are an indecisive person's nightmare. There's this sense of mutual anxiety in the air - your loved ones wanting to make sure you are enjoying yourself, and you wanting to make things as easy on your loved ones as possible.

Birthdays would also be a lot easier if there weren't so many rules you had to keep in mind and follow religiously.

Rule number 1: you're not allowed to be alone on your birthday. This means no going places by yourself, and no spending too much time alone in your room. And definitely no going to watch a movie by yourself, because that's just sad (the idea really appealed to me first thing this morning, but I soon gave it up as a lost cause).

Rule number 2: You must be happy, consistently happy, all day. Woe betide you allow yourself to sink into a melancholic or depressive state on your birthday. This is a big social no no.

Rule number 3: You must have the correct emotional reaction to the present unwrapping procedure; an emotional pattern of surprise, joy, and gratitude upon opening each present. You must also remember to maintain a constant big smile, or people will become worried and ask you what's wrong. If this makes your jaws hurt, perhaps polishing up on your smiling, laughter, and profuse thank you's the day before in the mirror wouldn't go amiss.

And so forth.

All this being said, it's nice to spend a day feeling loved and wanted. Having special attention from loved ones gives a warm fuzzy feeling inside, and although it's easy to complain about the "happy birthday" spam on facebook, it's nice to see people care enough to take a minute out of their day to convey their well wishes to you.

I had a lovely birthday. :)