An Empty Flat

So today I’ve had plenty of time to think. I lay on the couch, draped in my brilliant blue silk doona from Vietnam, and stared aimlessly out the living room window at the periwinkle blue sky, which had a smattering of white clouds.

Enough over-embellishment. My thoughts, as they were, were mostly depressing with the occasional moment of epiphany to make them worthwhile. During this time I feel like I drift in an in-between world; the world in-between all other “living” worlds (the worlds other people are involved in). My world is a place of suspension, of stagnation and introspection.  Mostly I am crippled by my own uncontrollable anxiety that seems to rise and fall within me like waves breaking upon a once dry shore.

While I am living within this suspension world, there’s little I can do to better myself or other people. Even introspection and philosophizing after a time grows stale. The achievement beast within myself roars unsated, starving for what I can no longer provide. I wonder whether it would be better if I let the beast die off, slowly and painfully, so it could steer the rudder of my life no more.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a test. Perhaps this fall was meant to happen, to teach me everything I need to know that I haven’t yet learned about what it means to be alive. Thoughts like this can drive you mad, looping and looping inside your head, until you question every facet of conscious thought and moral value that makes you you.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop thinking.

Chill.

Lie on the couch.

Watch a few movies.

Eat chocolate chip icecream.

Catch some zzz’s.

But no, that isn’t me. I really want to live, the way I lived before. Or maybe not exactly the way I lived before. I feel that life wasn’t sustainable, and in the end ironically enough it lead me here. To the exact antithesis of what that life was driving towards.

So. I need new direction. New thoughts. New outlook. Perhaps I do not want to escape this suspension world to re-enter my old “living” one. Perhaps it is time to step sideways, and enter a new universe. Perhaps it is time to open my mind fully to the immense possibility the alternative has to offer me.  Perhaps it is time to take the plunge, and re-emerge newly born into the unknown.

What will I take with me? CAN I take anything with me?

Will I leave everything behind…